A Missed Fatherhood

*A Missed Fatherhood*
(Or You Were Not There!)

You were not there!
Save for that brief moment of pleasure
You were not there-
When he was nurtured in the womb
Caressed and sung to
You were not there
As he cried for the first time
And sought his mother’s bosom
Oh that Mom
Hardworking, charming and lovely
A great sense of honour
But you were not there

When he grew up
And excelled in school
Topped his class
Led the prefects team
And spoke eloquently
You were not there
No, you were not
As his brain took up a world of its own
As she struggled to seek help
As he imagined avatars
And three legged humans
And Castles-In-The-Sky
And
And………
You were not there
As he dropped out of school
Unable to cope with the
Simplicities they taught
The hospital walls became his home
Their drugs, and jabs and incarcerations
As his delirium took over
And tough nurses sought to restrain him
You were not there

Never there
To give him a reassuring smile
As he sought a life
Never there to teach him to tie his shoelaces
and give him that fatherly hug
Oh that hug…
and the pat on the back…
and the reassuring look
and the head rub – accompanied by a warm deep voice comforting voice
But you were not there

As his Mom battled with migraines and sarcomas
And month ulcers
And running stomachs
Only to succumb
and leave him alone too

You were not there
To bury her
To take him away
to give him a home
and a name
and a heritage
and a life

So he struggled
His youthful passion galore
Drove him to the townships
To the warmth of used thighs
And used breasts
And used lips
And used…..
You were not there

Never there
To teach him to choose
To select better
To caution him
As his Castles-In-The-Sky
Led him to younger thighs
As his honesty
Now viewed as men’s rea
By strangers and accusing eyes
Strangers in khaki uniform
Strangers in dark robes,  white collars
And horse hair wigs
Strangers in old colonial buildings
Strangers, strangers
Pointed fingers
Yelling
Accusing fingers

Talked in a language he could only recall trying to learn years ago
Yelling flagrante delicto
Yelling aggravated defilement
Yelling  prima facie
Yelling guilty beyond reasonable doubt
Yelling confessed
Yelling convicted
Yelling sentenced to imprisonment
You were not there

Not there
To give him an assuring smile
To fight for him in mitigation
To hold his hand tight
To appeal his case
As his maternal relatives backed away
Ashamed by his dastardly deed
Never mind they kept away
Due to his Castles-In-The-Sky
You were not there

As he lay shrinking away
Shrinking, staring, starving
Thinning away
Chained to the government hospital bed
Drenched in his urea
Was there any caretaker?
You were not there to see
To know
To care
As his deliriums overcame him
Ignorant relatives unable to help

You were not there
As he sunk into a peace that surpasses all understanding
As he finally flew to his Castles-In-The-Sky
Leaving behind a smelling, disturbing presence
Shamed by all

You weren’t ever there
To lend him your tomb like Joseph of Arimathea
Leaving him to finally rest
In borrowed lands
Of borrowed clans
Of borrowed family
Of borrowed inheritence

You were not there!
You were not there!
You were not there!

1.00am
08/12/2015

(Dedicated to Yosuha Nyakahuma RIP)