TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS: Dealing with the Fear of Conflict: A Reflecting Journal

TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS:  Dealing with the Fear of Conflict: A Reflecting Journal

 

Introduction

In the book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable by Patrick Lencioni, reveals that for a team to be cohesive, members had to trust each other be able to engage rather than fear conflict, be able to commit to decisions and plans of action, be able to hold one another to account on those plans, and finally, should focus on achieving collective results. In this Journal, I highlight a story of a leader who made the efforts to correct one of those dysfunctions – avoiding conflict- in the team she was leading.

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I agree with the author when says that the team ought to build on trust first before it engages other dysfunctions. We had therefore held outings as a team, attended regular prayer altar meetings, and shared openly about our strengths and weaknesses. We had split up the organization’s mission statement and allowed each team mate to create and lead teams based on the said leader’s strengths, passions and personality types. We had also sought to encourage constructive criticism. This is by ensuring that every team mate is heard, but also ensuring that they take it in good stride.

Lesson for reflection: Building trust remains an ongoing process. This has to be done both jointly and severally, so that there is a well-groomed team and trusted team. We need to continue to build the trust muscle in the team.  

 

I had noticed that I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible. Nonetheless, marriage has taught me how to engage in open and constructive conflict as opposed to the ‘silent treatment’ or creating artificial harmony.

Earlier this year, the team agreed to have an event and one of the members (hereinafter referred to as Omureffu – not his real name ) accepted to be in charge of organizing the event. Omureffu procrastinated in picking a team, opting rather to discuss the team issues in the Team meeting. I consistently advised that Omureffu should set up a team to which we may/could belong.  Meetings would often stall for a few minutes as we tried to convince him to do so. His modus operandi was to work, principally with me.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t made any easier by him tendency to refuse to listen to contrary view points. However, the team members remained rallying behind the fact that we ought to confront the brutal fact that pulling off a event of this magnitude would be impossible without a full team of differently gifted people. Lesson for reflection: Leading volunteers is uniquely different from having paid workers. Since a volunteer can easily walk away, the leader often seeks to avoid conflict so as to ensure the volunteer remains intact. However, this just prolongs the issues. While we viewed things differently, team members saw the need for having a bigger team and their honest opinions helped in overcoming this challenge.

The Team finally agreed that the event would be at the beginning of a specific date. However, Omureffu  insisted on getting approvals for Guest of honor before proceeding with advertising for the event.  This delayed our plans further. After our prayer meeting, I expressed the fear that if we are to have a successful event, we should consider postponement for at least 60 days so as to give us time to mobilize effectively. Omureffu  threatened to resign if we did. I asked him to hear me out just to express my fear. He instead immediately called the Overall Overseer in my presence to overrule me.  I was honestly very cross with him. Angry to be exact! Upon the end of his conversation with the Overall Overseer, I told Omureffu  with visibly steeled breath that what he had done was disrespectful and wrong.  I told him that he needed not have escalated the matter when we were still debating it. At one point he tried to make ad hominem arguments trying to undermine the legitimacy of my disapproval of his approach.  It took a lot of restraint on my behalf to not only refuse to get ugly but also to walk away from the conflict. At the end of the day, I reminded him once again to ensure that he takes time to listen, (not for the sake of responding,) but so as to understand the adverse party. At the end of the discussion, we made peace and he later sent me messages re-iterating how sorry he was.

Lesson for reflection: It is important not to remain instead of walk away from the conflict simply because one wants to avoid the emotional and other strain such conflict might cause.  

Realizing that event was near, Omureffu  finally called a team meeting but still had struggles working without my constant presence. In spite of informing him that he had my full trust and he should know I would support in all ways possible, he seemed unable to allow the team he had constituted to work. In fact, at one time, during our weekly planning meetings, Omureffu , who was chairing the session, burst out in front of the new team, berating my lack of assistance and support.  As he spoke, I noticed that I was getting very angry with him. This is because not only was he making it difficult for others to respond to what he was saying, but also forgetting to guard his tongue and speak.  

Since the team was new and we had not yet built any synergies, I chose not to respond directly to him so as to avoid conflict.  With insight, it is probably because I didn’t want open conflict over the issue.  I also had an evening class to teach, so I excused myself.

Interestingly, one of the members (hereinafter called Mbabazi) took on the role of the miner for conflict.  In that tense time, I did try my best to respond to his questions. I would later appreciate his role after reading the book under review. I recognize the above with hindsight, that he sought to ensure –in a humorous way- that we were all on the same page. (Mbabazi is also the involuntary but helpful a miner of conflict in the Team meetings).  Indeed, when I left the meeting, he continued to ensure that focus was not lost on how to move forward. This is because, by the time my class ended, I received a message from Omureffu  via WhatsApp apologizing for his outburst.  I asked for time to respond because I was still angry. Lesson for reflection: I tried to keep the communication lines open even when I didn’t want to. I knew that as a leader, it was upon me to keep the ship on course regardless of what was happening. I however knew that in dealing with the dysfunctions, they are correlated and one need not forget emotional intelligence in the process. They all work together as seen below

The next day, Omureffu  calls asking to step down from the position of Chair. I knew that he was avoiding conflict because of his outburst. After a long conversation, we finally agreed that we should meet with other stakeholders of the group so that we do not lose focus on the task ahead. We had a frank and candid conversation. We allowed each other to talk freely and air out what we thought was the issue. In my view, Omureffu  is always rush to act or speak.  In his view, he didn’t feel like I gave him the support he needed, when he needed it. The Overall Overseer advised that he needs to realize that having delegated the matter to him, I need not be the only team he should refer to. We then agreed on how to run the matter henceforth.

Lesson for reflection: Do not jump ship at the slightest sign of conflict, rather, handle the conflict face on and allow yourself to be vulnerable. By having these uncomfortable conversations, we were able to ensure that instead of a ‘false peace’ honest concerns and opinions were being shared and as a result, Omureffu  was committed to the cause. A  few weeks down the road, we had an amazingly successful event.

 

ENDS

Aluta Continua: Future plans

It is advisable for teams to use the Thomas- Kilman conflict mode Instrument so as to understand our natural inclinations towards conflict and then make conscious decisions on how to react in future. It is clear that the if we do not handle conflict properly, it builds residues and the embers left would easily burn at the slightest provocation.  There is no easier way out. We must all confront our fears and take the bull by the horns. Conflict is around us, we therefore ought to confront it positively.   

 

ENDS